Chapter 28 ~ If Only

Disclaimer: Bex, the girls, Lareto & Bud are mine.  No copyright infringement intended. All Rights reserved.  95% fiction, 5% real. 

It been a long time. This chapter has been sitting for well over a year, waiting to be posted. I have not forgotten about Bex & Harry. I don't think there is anyway I won't have these two in my soul forever. 

Be Safe! Be Well. 

Chapter 28

If Only

The bed was comfortable enough.  It just didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right without him. 

Hours earlier...

“You fwew here jus’ to see me?”

“Yes. I told you I would,” I said, closing the cap on the marker I had been using. 

“Where’s Miser Hawwy?” the small redhead asked me.

“He’s in America.  He’s working really hard on the next One Direction album.  I’m sure there will be new t-shirts and pajamas to come your way,” I laughed as she dipped her head; her now waist length hair covering her face.

“Will you see him adain?” Lareto tilted her head to look at me.

“Mmm...I hope so.”

“Pease tell him that I liked my teddy bear.” 

The news that he sent her things didn’t surprise me. He’d taken a shine to her.  I also knew that he was helping the family. Bud had received new clothes and money to help him go back to school. Harry had paid the legal fees for him and helped with the custody proceedings. Lareto and Bud were thriving. They had moved with their foster family to a newer, bigger home and Bud had gotten a job.

“Do you like it here?” I asked, looking around the spacious living room. We’d been busy playing games and coloring all day. 

“Miss Shar is amazin’!  I go to dance cwass ev’y week!” Lareto jumped up and down with excitement. She had lost a front tooth last week; add that to her light south african accent and speech impediment... I was putty in her hands. 

“Show me something!” I smiled just as excited for her.

She proceeded to walk to an imaginary spot in the middle of the room and take a deep breath.  Her little arms came up over her head as she got into first position.  She smiled and twirled in place; her hair flying out around her. She dipped down and then leapt into a jump before landing back on her feet.  She pushed her hair out of her face and then bowed. 

“Yes!  That was so awesome!” I yelled and clapped for her.

“I has a pertorm...paformants in Juwhy. Will you brin’ Hawwy?” She asked plopping down into my lap. 

“Well, it all depends on when. Harry’s going back out on tour. I would love to come! We’ll get all the information from Miss Shar,” I squeezed her into a hug.  

My phone began to ring in my back pocket. 

“Shall we say Hi to Harry?” I asked, pulling the phone out. 

“Yay!!!”

I swiped the screen and as we waited for it to connect, I made sure the first thing he’d see was our redheaded, missing teeth friend. 

“Bex, love...LARETO?!?!!”

“Hi Miser Hawwy!”

“I called Miss Rebekah and I got you instead! Silly phone!” He shook his head. 

“Hey, H,” I smiled into the camera.

“So that’s where you are!!  Two of my favorite ladies together!” He truly looked happy to see us both. “What are you doing?”

“We been coworin’...and...and...we pwayed dames,” she answered softly.

“Coloring?  Will you send me a picture? I need something to hang on my fridge!” He turned the camera to a chic black refrigerator bare, save what looked like a grocery list. 

“You silly, Hawwy! I send you pitture!”

“Tell Harry about your dance class,” I prompted her. I knew he wanted to ask why I hadn’t come to Los Angeles, but it wasn’t the conversation to have while I was with Lareto.

“I go to dance cwass evewy week!  We are learnin’ about all tinds of dances. I tan do...wha’s dat...you feet mate dem cwickin’ sound?” Lareto looked at her feet in distress.

“Tap?”

“Yes! Dat’s it! And we learnin’ bawway.”

“Ballet?” Harry’s eyes got wide. “Like a ballerina?” I could already see the wheels turning in his head while he reached for his macbook. “I bet you’re the prettiest ballerina out of the whole bunch!”

“I tan spin! You wanna see, Miser Hawwy?” Lareto said, hopping off my lap.

“Why yes!  I want to see you spin!”

I switched the camera orientation and laughed as she spun for him just like she had me. He whistled for her dramatically and clapped. 

“Wonderful Lareto!  Wonderful!”

“Wabekah?” The little girl looked at me with scared eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

She walked over and whispered she had to go to the bathroom but was afraid she wouldn’t get to say goodbye to Harry.

“It’s ok. I won’t hang up until you’re back. Promise,” I whispered, crossing my pinky with hers. 

“Otay...I be wight back Miser Hawwy,” she said, placing one finger up to show him it would only be a minute.

“Alright love. I’ll be here,” he nodded. 

She skipped off in the direction of the bathroom. 

“So South Africa?” He asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” I answered softly, avoiding the camera. 

“I’m glad you went,” he answered.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Bex. Spending a little time with Lareto makes sense...after Nepal.” 

I could hear little footsteps running back down the hall. 

“I was going to call you.”

“I know,” he sighed. “Just wish it had been sooner.”

“I’m sorry. I just...I needed...”

He shook his head at me, “Not the time, Tog. Where are you staying?”

“Same hotel...”

“Call me when you get back there, okay?”

I nodded as Lareto entered the room.  I chuckled as she made her way back to my lap.  She had taken the time to change into her newest Harry shirt. 

“Oh Miss Lareto!” He chuckled as his face turned red.

“I miss you Miser Hawwy,” she smiled sweetly at him before sticking a finger in her mouth shyly. 

“I miss you too, love.” He smirked and then looked up at me. “You too.”

“Me too, H. Me too.” The alert for our next activity popped on my screen.

“Mister Harry. We must bid you adieu. We have big plans this afternoon and if we don’t leave now, we shall be late.” It wasn’t my best british accent.

“Really now? Alright, I see how it is.  Miss Lareto, it has been a pleasure as always. Tell Miss Shar that you are expecting more presents from Mister Harry,” he winked at her. “Miss Rebekah...make sure you make that phone call we discussed. It’s important.”

“I promise,” I nodded.

“She’s dood wif pwomises, Miser Hawwy,” my redhead snuggled into my chest.

“Yeah, most of the time,” he remarked quietly. “I bid you lovely ladies farewell. Enjoy yourselves.” He winked, blew us both a kiss and disconnected the call. 

“Alright Red!  We need to change and head out to see our show!” 

Lareto scrambled off my lap and yelled, “I be weady befo you!”

I shoved my phone back into my pocket knowing she was absolutely right. My mind was already preoccupied with the fact that Harry was upset that I hadn’t come to L.A. I’d promised and ended up here in South Africa. Was I ever gonna get this right?

~</3~

“Did you have a good time at Annie, Reto?” Bud asked as he passed the bowl of vegetables to me. 

“I did!  I gwow up and be on stage!” She smiled before shoving chicken in her mouth. 

I knew she loved the musical Annie from one of our phone calls. She’d been humming “Tomorrow” one day while she told me about the new after school program she was enrolled in. While I was waiting to be taken to my hotel, I found a small local theater doing a production of the play and purchased tickets. I sent a text to Shar and asked if it was alright to take her. She’d answered right away that Bud had gotten her a dress like Annie wore in the original movie for her last birthday. She thought it was a great idea for me to take her. 

“Thank you for taking her,” Bud placed his hand on my arm. “I hope that one day I’ll be able to do things like that with her.”

“You will.” I smiled, patting his hand.

“I just have to graduate and get a better job. We can get a place of our own.”

“While that’s a great plan, you need to focus on you too.”

“My sister is the most important thing right now. I got plenty of time. I just want her to have the childhood I didn’t get to.” He reached over and mussed her hair, “Ain't that right, Reto! We’re gonna have so many adventures.”

Lareto giggled at him; the love for her big brother shining through her eyes.

Miss Shar beamed at the two of them across the table, “So, Bex? Where are you headed to now?”

“My plans got derailed. I was supposed to be in L.A. right now. I’m heading to London in a few days. A friend’s sister is having a first birthday party for her twins so we’re meeting there for a long deserved vacation together.  Since the earthquakes in Nepal, they’ve given me more time off. Maybe I’ll be able to fly back for Lareto’s ballet recital?”

“Oh, you’d love that wouldn’t you, Lareto! I’ll forward you the information.”

“Is it hard being a photographer?” Bud said, playing with the food on his plate.

“Have you ever tried it?” 

“Not with a camera like yours. I’ve taken pictures with my phone,” he shrugged. 

“I don’t have any plans tomorrow. Are you working?” I asked pulling my phone out. 

“What’s tomorrow? The 28th?” He asked pulling out his own. 

The 28th? Already?

“No, I’m off,” he looked at me hopefully.

“Um...well...” I cleared my throat a little.”I don’t have any plans. If you’d like, I can show you how to use a camera like this. We can go out and take some photos. Maybe take our beautiful redhead with us to be our model?”

“Can I Shar?” Bud asked softly.

“I don’t see why not. Sounds like good fun!” Shar nodded. 

“Thank you Miss Rebekah!’ Bud hugged me to him. 

~</3~

I’d stayed to help clean up after dinner before heading back to the hotel. 

While the room wasn’t the Presidential Suite, it was familiar enough to remind me of my time with Harry. As promised, I called as soon as i got settled. 

I couldn’t sleep after our conversation. He was hurt that I’d decided to stay in South Africa and meet up with the girls in London. 

I checked the clock again and dreaded the phone calls that were awaiting me. I tossed and turned for the next forty five minutes.

The first call came in at 12:02 am.

“Happy Birthday Rebs! What do you and the girls have planned?” 

Dad.

I explained that I was not in Boston and that I probably wouldn’t be for a while. The “Mmmm” over the phone line told me he understood. He understood that sometimes you just needed to get away after a job.  His work as a documentary filmmaker showed him some of the same horrors.  He’d often spend a few weeks in England before coming home to us. 

“What about the young man?  Weren’t you supposed to be in Los Angeles with him?” 

“Yeah. I mucked that up though,” I sighed.

“I doubt you’ve mucked it up, Rebs. He just needs to understand that your job isn’t just taking photos. You see a lot that sticks with you sometimes. He’ll figure it out if he really wants to be with you. Your mum did,” my dad said, trying to help me justify my decision. 

“And what if I did mess it up?”

“Well...then he wasn’t the one Rebekah,” my mother’s soft twang cut in. “If he’s the one, he will come to terms with your job. You’ll have to come to terms with his too. Happy Birthday my darlin.”

“Thank you, mom. I love you.”

“We love you too. Now get yourself some sleep.”

“Goodnight,” I waited for the call to end and stared at the phone a bit longer. 

The next call came one minute and twenty six seconds later. Not that I was counting.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you,” the two worst singers ever sang into the phone. 

“Happy Birthday, Bex!!” Gray slurred into the phone when they finished. 

“Wow! You sound plowed!”

“Well, I spent most of the week with Dickhead and it’s your birthday somewhere! So...I’m commiserating and celebrating!”

“She’s off her rocker!” Doc laughed.

“You’re just as bad!” Gray argued.

“Enough outta you! Have ye heard from the pretty one?” Doc whispered into the phone.

“Yeah.”

“Uh oh.  He didn’t take the news well did he?”

“It’s ok, Doc. We’ll figure it out,” I said, trying to convince myself.

“Well...fuck him if he don’t understand it.” Gray said boldly. “I’d like a week away after working with Dickhead. Can only imagine what you have to deal with on a daily. A good getaway is your perogative. Ya know wot?  I’m gonna tell him that too. Bloody Wankah!”

“Emily!  Please stop her. Its been enough tonight.”

“On it!” I could hear a scuffle over the phone. “Gimme the bloody phone you lush!  Don’t make things worse than they are.” 

Grace came back on the line, “Alright. Because it’s your day, I will refrain. But...I’m gonna have a word with him.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, knowing she probably wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning.

“Good night!  Have a great birthday in South Africa!” They both screamed into the phone before hanging up. 

At 12:23 am, I received a small cake with a lit candle and a card.

Tog,

Happy Birthday, Love.  I’m sorry about our argument. I hope you enjoy this treat. An identical one is sitting in front of me. I hoped to ring in your birthday here in L.A.. I will try my best to understand why you needed to go to South Africa. If you decide to come to L.A. after all, just let me know. My arms are open and waiting for you. Sien jou gou, Liefde.

 Love, H. x

While I didn’t know much South African, I knew the last sentence meant see you soon. 

I was amazed at the things he was able to arrange seemingly at a moment's notice. I picked up my phone and sent a pic of me with the cake and a text thanking him for the cake before I blew out the candle.

The phone call at 4:18 in the morning worried me.

“Well, Happy Birthday Bitch. I hope you’re enjoying your life while mine is falling apart.” Mateo had clearly been drunk when he left the message.

 I was nervous but not scared. If push came to shove, he’d clearly do whatever it took to keep his job. It meant too much to him. That was the crux of all our problems. I had gained more attention. I had been getting the coveted assignments. I was successful. Mateo Sandoval wouldn’t be upstaged by a woman, his girlfriend no less.

I threw my phone next to me on the bed and closed my eyes.

~</3~

I missed him. I missed his warm body next to mine.

I’d hurt him.

My heart was heavy and I needed to get out of this bed. Lareto and Bud were looking forward to a day of fun taking pictures. 

I hunted for my phone among the blankets.  There were 5 text messages and a missed call waiting for me. 

Niall, Louis, Liam, my brother and Cal had all sent birthday texts.  Ben had left a very drawn out message offering me a position with his production company as my birthday present. Who doesn’t want a job offer for their birthday?

I sent him a “thank you for your offer but I am happy with my current employment” back and texts to the boys.

I showered and packed up my gear before leaving to meet with the kids. 

In the spur of the moment, I opened the camera on my phone. Clicking on the video message button, I smiled into the lens, “Hey H...I just wanted to say I’m sorry we argued. I know you’re trying to understand. The cake was great. Thank you again for sending it. I lo...um...I’ll try to call later. See ya soon.”

I’d almost mucked it up again by saying I love you. 

Before I lost my nerve, I sent it and shoved the phone in my back pocket. 

No regrets.  

My phone pinged as I got in the rental car and I ignored it. It wasn’t Bud because I still had forty minutes until our meeting time. I choose to focus on my time with the kids.   A text could wait.

~</3~

“Please don’t drop the camera...” I whispered anxiously as Bud climbed the side of the hill. He waved me off, ignoring the fact that the lens alone cost hundreds of dollars.

“Just a few snaps of the terrain, Bex! You can’t leave here without some of the beauty of South Africa!” He laughed as he perched himself on a small ledge. “If I break it, I’ll buy you a new one.”

“Bud...that camera is worth thousands of dollars.” I threw my hands on my hips just like my mother did when she scolded me.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” I said, shaking my head. 

Bud took a few quick shots, placed the camera on his back and climbed down gingerly. 

“Here,” he said sheepishly as he handed it to me. 

“I don’t mind you using it. Just remember that you can’t just climb up a hill and not protect it.” Sitting back down on the blanket Lareto was napping on, I clicked through some of his shots. “These are pretty good though.”

“So...” he started as he sat down next to his sister’s sleeping form, “What do you do when you’re out there taking all those pictures? Don’t you worry you’re going to damage it?”

“It’s usually strapped around my neck or shoulder like you had it. Besides, if I break it, I can replace it,” I raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Don’t you get scared?” 

I wasn’t going to lie to him. 

“Of course.  It’s war and natural disasters. You never know what could happen,” I said, placing the camera back in my bag. 

He stared at me for a moment, “Don’t your parents get worried about you traveling to all these places? Doesn’t your boyfriend get upset?” He asked, pulling a piece of grass out of the ground.

“I’m sure my parents get worried. Just like anyone else’s. My dad was a documentary filmmaker so he gets it. They trust me to keep myself safe.”

“Have you ever gotten hurt?”

“Yeah, I did. A car blew up and I got hit with some pieces of the car. Luckily it wasn’t serious. I healed up and went right back out there.” I shrugged.

“That’s crazy.  You don’t want to do this forever, do you?  Don’t ya wanna get married and have kids? Be a normal woman?” Bud asked.

“A normal woman? Who says I’m not a normal woman? The only difference is I don’t sit at a desk or any other job that people see as primarily suited for a woman,” I answered. “Do you believe women are only supposed to be a secretary or teacher?  Do you believe the only thing we should do is stay home and raise kids?”

“Well, no. I didn’t mean to offend. You’re just the first woman I’ve met that will willingly go into a war or disaster. If Reto grew up and decided she wanted to be a miner or work on an oil rig or even be a soldier, I would only want her to be happy.” He said as he raised his hands in front of him. “It’s cool that you do because...I don’t think I would be able to do it. I have her to think about.” Bud said as he gently wiped some hair from his sister’s face. 

“Just don’t let anyone try to tell her that she can’t be anything she wants to be. Even a crazy woman who takes an expensive camera into a war zone, ok?” I reached over and ruffled his hair.

“Deal.”

“We should head back,” I said, gathering my stuff. 

Bud picked up Lareto and cradled her to his chest so she would sleep some more. He’d run her all over taking pictures. I’d shown him how to use the light to enhance the photos and how to frame the picture to get the best possible shot.  He was a pretty quick study and had taken a full memory card of photos of his little sister. The poor kid could barely keep her eyes open while she ate her lunch. 

I folded the blanket and threw it over my arm as I followed him back to the car.  It had been a lovely day and I was ready to get back to the hotel, enjoy a hot bath and try and sleep.

Bud passed out five minutes into the ride back to Shar’s house. I put one ear plug in and opened the playlist I’d made of the boys songs while we were here the first time. 

Hearing Harry’s voice seeped into my soul as I drove the hour back to the house. 

“I know your hearts been broken, but don’t you give up,” I sang along softly.

Just after 5:30, we pulled into the driveway of Shar’s house. 

“Bud?...hey, Bud,” I shook him gently.  “Dude, we’re home.”

“Wabekah? Are you donna stay for take?” Lareto said sleepily from the backseat.

“Cake?” I asked looking between her and Bud as he roused.

“Lareto!  We were just supposed to get her in the house. Shar was gonna do the rest,” he sighed as he rubbed his eyes. 

“Sowwy!”

“It’s ok.  I suppose someone told you it was my birthday?” I gathered my backpack.

“Mister Hawwy called Shar wast night.”

“Of course he did,”I mumbled as I stepped out of the car. 

 ~</3~

I stumbled into the hotel room.

Shar had made it a full on celebration.  Dinner, cake and libations. A little too many libations for the birthday girl. 

Giggling as I made my way to the bed; running into every piece of furniture along the way.  I tossed my body onto the bed; my back connected with something hard. 

I pulled the laptop out from under me and flipped it open. I pulled my boots off as I waited for the machine to boot up. As soon as the screen came to life, I pressed the skype button.  It rang a few times and I disconnected. Then I hit it again.

I twirled to the jumbled music in my head and stripped off my flannel shirt.

“IF only...” I sang loudly, “I had the guts to feel this way. And if only, You’d look at me and want to stay...” I twirled again before stopping to open my jeans. I shimmied them down my legs and continued singing to myself. “I want to need you, cause I need to be with you until the end. Then...I hear myself reply you’ve got to hold it in. This time, tooooni...” 

I turned and pulled my tank top off.

“Hi.”

“AHHHHH!” I screamed as I stumbled toward the bed tripping on the denim still wrapped around my ankles. “Shit!”

“Tog?”

“H?” I whispered from the floor. I could feel the blush on my skin. The room spun a little.

His voice was deep from sleep, “Rebekah? Are you ok? Do I need to call the hotel concierge?”

I pulled the jeans off my legs,”Ugh...” I grunted out.

“Quite a show you put on there,” he snickered.

I flipped onto my knees and slowly peered up over the edge of the bed. He was shirtless, hair mussed from sleep, and surrounded by pillows. 

I hid behind the mattress and tried to gather myself. 

“Were you singing a Hanson song?” I could hear the covers shifting in the background. “If only, right?”

I sighed and peered drunkenly over the mattress again, “I don’t ‘member.”

“Are you wasted, Bex?”

I shrugged. “‘S my birthday.”

“And it looks like you were trying to get into your birthday suit,” he wiggled his eyebrows. “It’s your birthday, but I’m getting the presents.”

“Did you call just to ha...har...ass me?” I hiccuped.

“Babe...you called me.”

I closed my eyes as the room spun a little more,” Did I?”

“Every single time I see you, I start to feel this way. It makes me wonder if I’m ever gonna feel this way again...” he sang softly.

Now I was drunk on Fynbos* and him.

“You did, love. Twice,” he yawned. “Go wash your face, take two paracetimols and call me when you wake.”

I whispered, “Ok.”

He blew me a kiss, “Goodnight Tog. Soon.”

The call disconnected as I fell to the floor. 

“Cause I want you, I need you,” I sang to the silent room.

*Fynbos: 

50 ml brandy

50 ml rooibos tea

25 ml simple syrup (sugar syrup)

12.5 ml ginger liqueur

1 teaspoon honey

A dash of bitters (optional)

Lemon / lime peel to garnish

Author Note: Yeah, it's been a minute. Hoping you're all safe and well. Bear with me while I work through this writers block called life. All the Love, Lady H.